She gave me a hug."Good night Nicholas." Night Mom," I told her and crawled into bed.My last thoughts before going to sleep were, 'I did it! I'm a sec...nddegree black belt!' and then 'I'm so jealous of Lily, I wish I couldhave a bedtime story and a bottle!'SOMETIME IN THE middle of the night I woke up completely sweaty andchilled. I pulled a blanket that had fallen on the ground on and wrappedmyself tighter, but I couldn't stop shivering. I must have been audiblywhimpering or something because. I caress my scars. Dream about him next to me. Feel him in the night tending them. Believe that he’s there. Then there’s light and the shower is still running. I leave it on even though the water bill is too high to pay. I like the sound of the water rushing over me. Let the water pour. Clean and hot and desensitizing, destroying prints and calluses, burning away bacteria, boiling needles to the surface of my skin. Mindless, hopeless activity. I sit in the shower without forgiven and need and. More

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